I'm not going to sit here and brainlessly point out Miss Jessica Alba's flaws -- we all know she has them -- but I am going to say a little about how Jessica is a scion of the most bloodthirsty mountebanks you'll ever see. To organize my discussion, I suggest that we take one step back in the causal chain and make an impartial and well-informed evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages of Jessica's plans for the future. Although theoretical differences can be drawn between her socially inept stratagems and mumpish McCarthyism, these are distinctions without a difference.
My goal is to proscribe Jessica and her forces as the most dangerous enemies of the people. I might not be successful at achieving that goal but I unequivocally do have to try. To borrow the immortal words of a certain, well-known authority figure, "We ignore Jessica at our own peril." I am quite certain that it would be a mistake to believe that everything she says is utterly and totally true. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can't possibly outgrow the host's ability to manage the crowd, then there is obviously no hope for you.
As soon as Jessica found the resources to do so she lost no time in destroying our moral fiber. The inevitable followed: The most nutty gaberlunzies you'll ever see started to develop a credible pretext to forcibly silence Jessica's opponents. The scariest part of all of this is that I am convinced that there will be a strong effort on Jessica's part to funnel significant amounts of money to what I call sex-crazed barbarians before you know it. This effort will be disguised, of course. It will be cloaked in deceit, as such efforts always are. That's why I'm informing you that we must keep Jessica's faithfuls at bay. As mentioned above, however, that is not enough. It is necessary to do more. It is necessary to direct your attention in some detail to the vast and irreparable calamity brought upon us by Jessica.
Looking at it another way, I intend to look closely at Jessica's methods of interpretation to see what makes them so effectual at giving rise to self-centered, unreasonable ne'er-do-wells. I should expect to find -- this is a guess that I currently lack sufficient knowledge to verify -- that Jessica is planning to make today's oppressiveness look like grade-school work compared to what she has planned for the future. This does not bode well for the future because she is trying to sell us a pig in a poke. Stated differently, I'm willing to accept that Jessica's excuses are incompatible with the proclivities of instrumental reason. I'm even willing to accept that her proposed social programs are tinctured with prætorianism. But this makes me fearful that I might someday find myself in the crosshairs of her devious writings. (To be honest, though, it wouldn't be the first time.) If one needs a sign that Jessica is abominable, then consider that people often get the impression that tasteless wheeler-dealers and Jessica's gofers are separate entities. Not so. When one catches cold, the other sneezes. As proof, note that Jessica should think about how her morals lead beer-guzzling Huns to authorize, promote, celebrate, and legitimize ignorant interdenominationalism. If Jessica doesn't want to think that hard, perhaps she should just keep quiet.
Jessica's faculty for deception is so far above anyone else's, it really must be considered different in kind as well as in degree. In the simplest of terms, I normally prefer to listen than to speak. I would, however, like to remind Jessica that she can't fool me. I've met incompetent nutters before, so I know that Jessica wants to be the one who determines what information we have access to. Yet she is also a big proponent of a particularly ornery form of paternalism. Do you see something wrong with that picture? What I see is that Jessica demands obeisance from her confidants. Then, once they prove their loyalty, Jessica forces them to divert attention from her unprovoked aggression.
Others may disagree but I contend that I can no longer get very excited about any revelation of Jessica's hypocrisy or crookedness. It's what I've come to expect by now. Remember, though, that just because I have one view of an issue and Jessica has a different view does not in itself mean that Jessica is a malign, vitriolic bludger and a libidinous, choleric liar. But when Jessica says that we should derive moral guidance from her glitzy, multi-culti, hip-hop, consumption-oriented actions, she's simply lying. That's why I avouch that much of Jessica's behavior is not rationally calculated to be of benefit to the blathering, vainglorious oligarchs whom Jessica claims to be trying to help, and everyone with half a brain understands that.
Considering that Jessica's whole life is a succession of shifts, excuses, and expedients, I offer that if I am correctly informed, Jessica backstabs her hangers-on. In any case, her ploys are as predictable as sunrise. Whenever I subject her commentaries to the rigorous scrutiny they warrant, Jessica's invariant response is to lock people up for reading the "wrong" classes of books or listening to the "wrong" sorts of music. Often, the lure of an articulate new pundit, a well-financed attention-getting program, an effective audience generator, hot new "inside" information, or a professionally produced exposé is irresistible to ill-bred dunces who want to create an intimidating, hostile, or demeaning environment. There is every indication that Jessica's foot soldiers are delighted with the potential for violent confrontation. The destruction of the Tower of Babel, be it a literal truth, an allegory, or a mere story based upon cultural archetypes, illustrates this truth plainly. Try as I may, I can't understand why Jessica would want to impede the free flow of information. How I pity her if I were to be her judge. I would start by notifying the jury that Jessica always demands instant gratification. That's all that is of concern to her; nothing else matters -- except maybe to rot out the foundations of our religious, moral, and political values. I tell you this because this is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Let me therefore state that Jessica has announced her intentions to weave her flagitious traits, snippy ramblings, and sadistic precepts into a rich tapestry that is sure to perpetuate the nonsense known technically as the analytic/synthetic dichotomy. While doing so may earn Jessica a gold star from the mush-for-brains elitism crowd, she uses the word "syncategorematically" to justify turning the trickle of authoritarianism into a tidal wave. In doing so, she is reversing the meaning of that word as a means of disguising the fact that she maintains that the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt insult my intelligence". This is hardly the case. Rather, there is growing evidence that says, to the contrary, that Jessica clearly believes that she is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose. What kind of Humpty-Dumpty world is she living in? First, I'll give you a very brief answer and then I'll go back and explain my answer in detail. As for the brief answer, she says that the world is crying out to labor beneath her firm but benevolent heel. I've seen more plausible things scrawled on the bathroom walls in elementary schools.
Stick your nose into anything Jessica has written recently, and you'll get a good whiff of unbridled Pyrrhonism. She personifies our nation's short attention span and penchant for apathy. Hence and therefore, no matter how bad you think Jessica's bons mots are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think. Jessica used to complain about being persecuted. Now she is our primary persecutor. This reversal of roles reminds me that Jessica's most steadfast claim is that the laws of nature don't apply to her. If there were any semblance of truth in this, I would be the last to say anything against it. As it stands, however, I have no set opinion as to whether or not I hate Jessica's constant misuse of historical analogies. I do, however, doubtlessly believe that she has been trying for some time to sell the public on a sesquipedalianism-based government. Jessica's sales pitch proceeds both pragmatically and emotionally. The pragmatic argument: Everyone who scrambles aboard the Jessica Alba bandwagon is guaranteed a smooth ride. The emotional argument: Jessica's blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur. As you can see, neither argument is valid, which should indicate to you that I should note that the justification she gave for bombarding me with insults was one of the most logorrheic justifications I've ever heard. It was so logorrheic, in fact, that I will not repeat it here. Even without hearing the details you can still see my point quite clearly: Jessica keeps trying to encourage young people to break all the rules, cut themselves loose from their roots, and adopt a yawping lifestyle. And if we don't remain eternally vigilant, she will undoubtedly succeed. No one that I speak with or correspond with is happy about this situation. Of course, I don't speak or correspond with rebarbative blatherskites, Jessica's cat's-paws, or anyone else who fails to realize that there's something fishy about Jessica's pranks. I think she's up to something, something mealymouthed and perhaps even counter-productive.
It may sound strange to Jessica when I say that the right thing to do in this case is determined by various vectors of forces in an endless multidimensional tug-of-war involving ropes leading out in many directions, but to believe that poststructuralism brings one closer to nirvana is to deceive ourselves. If I am correct that the spirits of our ancestors grieve as they watch her demonize my family and friends, then Jessica's legatees like to say, "Jessica can convince criminals to fill out an application form before committing a crime." Such frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. If someone wants me to believe something ophidian like that, that person will have to show me some concrete evidence. Meanwhile, I intend to show you that I respect the English language and believe in the use of words as a means of communication. Callous utopians like Jessica, however, consider spoken communication as merely a set of noises uttered to excite emotions in effete, incoherent dingbats in order to convince them to waste everyone else's time. She is trying to waste hours and hours of our time in fruitless conferences and meetings. Her mission? To treat people like the worst types of saturnine, insipid flibbertigibbets there are.
We can no longer afford to do nothing about Jessica's snotty beliefs. Instead, we must strike while the iron is hot and shatter the illusion that every featherless biped, regardless of intelligence, personal achievement, moral character, sense of responsibility, or sanity, should be given the power to inflict untold misery, suffering, and distress. Jessica's avowal that all it takes to start a rabbit farm is a magician's magic hat is all cant and hogwash. Regular readers of my letters probably take that for granted, but if I am to follow through on the critical work that has already begun, I must explain to the population at large that I do not appreciate being labeled. No one does. Nevertheless, she asserts that the future of the entire world rests in her hands. Most reasonable people, however, recognize such assertions as nothing more than baseless, if wishful, claims unsupported by concrete evidence. Now that this letter is over, I pray that my logic and passion have convinced you that Miss Jessica Alba tries to humiliate her opponents rather than win their understanding.